Редакторски разправии

[Кал]

Thank you very much, Paul!

What I want to say is "This time I'll skip the gory details, [I'll
skip] straight to this moment that captures him jolted [= "1) bumped
or shaken jerkily; 2) disturbed psychologically as if by a physical
jolt or shock", as per the Princeton WordNet definition - either
interpretation is fine with me; he has been jolted by the gory events
that we've skipped], wheezing and pointing a pistol, and [I'll skip to
this very same moment that captures] me reassuming my meditative
attitude: [because] I don't want blood all the place over in case he
hits me" [Why meditative attitude? Well, we'll see why later - when
the bullets actually hit the protagonist's body, and very little blood
flows from his wounds; I imply here this has to do with his meditative
skills.]

From your reading, however, I can see I've taken way too many
shortcuts, and they've made the whole sentence confusing rather than
concise (as I wished it to be). :(

I chose "all the place over" by analogy with "all the world over"
which I know is an acceptable equivalent for "all over the world" (at
least I've seen it used often enough). "all the place over" appears in
a number of (reliable-looking) Google results ... but your response
tells me it's not common and I should have avoided it. Sigh ... it's
tough not being a native speaker.

Of course, having to explain these things is a self-defeating act for
any writer :). So I'll choose something more straightforward next
time. Perhaps. ;)

Thank you once again. I greatly appreciate all of your feedback.

Be!
Kalin

On Mon, Jul 18, 2011 at 2:25 AM, Paul Karaffa
<washingtonpastime -at- gmail.com> wrote:
> Dear Kalin,
> This is an excerpt from your story (first paragraph):
>
> This time I'll skip the gory details, straight to this moment that captures
> him jolted, wheezing and pointing a pistol, and me reassuming my meditative
> attitude: I don't want blood all the place over in case he hits me
>
> The first sentence should probably be split into two, as the tense is off
> otherwise. "Jolted" may not be the right word here, as it implies the person
> makes a sudden movement. So it doesn't sound right to say "captures him
> jolting, wheezing and pointing a pistol". Also, you write "and me reassuming
> my meditative attitude" which sounds awkward as part of the sentence. You
> write, "I don't want blood all the place over in case he hits me." This is
> not how it would be stated in English. It would probably be stated more like
> this: "I don't want blood all over the place." The second part, I don't
> understand how it ties into the rest of the sentence.
> Hope this helps give you an idea.
>
>
>
> On Sun, Jul 17, 2011 at 6:54 PM, Paul Kataffa <washingtonpastime -at- gmail.com>
> wrote:
>>
>> Dear Kalin,
>>
>> Not a rewrite request. Just a friendly suggestion. :)
>>
>> Paul
>>
>> Sent from my iPhone
>>
>> On Jul 16, 2011, at 2:38 PM, "Choveshkata biblioteka / The Human Library"
>> <poslednorog -at- gmail.com> wrote:
>>
>> > P.S. Erm ... is that a rewrite request?
>> >
>> > K)
>> >
>> > On 7/16/11, Choveshkata biblioteka / The Human Library
>> > <poslednorog -at- gmail.com> wrote:
>> >> Thank you, Paul!
>> >>
>> >> If you find the time and will - could you please quote an extract that
>> >> struck you as uneven?
>> >>
>> >> (I've edited this piece at least three times, and I've already become
>> >> "blind" to its shortcomings ... you know how it happens, yes?)
>> >>
>> >> If not - no worries, I'll send you a different one. Quite different. :)
>> >>
>> >> Be!
>> >> Kalin
>> >>
>> >> On 7/16/11, Paul Karaffa <washingtonpastime -at- gmail.com> wrote:
>> >>> Dear Kalin,
>> >>>
>> >>> Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read Rondo for Death and a
>> >>> Hitman, Wannabe. Unfortunately, we will have to pass on this one as well
>> >>> as it's not quite what we're looking for. I liked the story and think it
>> >>> has some merit. However, I did note uneven prose. I would urge you to look
>> >>> at this story again and do another edit/revision. We appreciate your
>> >>> interest in The Washington Pastime and hope that you will keep us in mind for
>> >>> future submissions.
>> >>>
>> >>> We encourage you to mark The Washington Pastime response time at
>> >>> duotrope.com, as we try hard to respond promptly to submissions.
>> >>>
>> >>> On Fri, Jul 15, 2011 at 12:44 AM, Choveshkata biblioteka / The Human
>> >>> Library
>> >>>
>> >>> <poslednorog -at- gmail.com> wrote:
>> >>>
>> >>>> Dear Paul,
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Thank you very much for elaborating on your reasons and selection
>> >>>> criteria. I can see now that you prefer action-oriented stories, with
>> >>>> a more transparent style. (I readily admit that most of my writing is
>> >>>> deliberately open to multiple interpretations, and heavy on imagery.
>> >>>> Drug-heavy, sometimes. :)
>> >>>>
>> >>>> I am submitting another short-short of mine - this one more
>> >>>> straightforward (but not entirely ;). "Rondo for Death and a Hitman,
>> >>>> Wannabe" is about 500 words long. It was written simultaneously in
>> >>>> English and Bulgarian (please don't ask how... :D).
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Hope you enjoy it; meanwhile, I'll send you another story by
>> >>>> Poshtakov.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Best!
>> >>>> Kalin @ HL

[Trip]

Хъ, готино. Това е оня пич с готовите отговори ли?

[Кал]

Не. Ония са други, и са много. :/

Пол е най-отзоваващият се редактор, с когото сме общували дотука (изключая тези на Beneath Ceaseless Skies, ама те отговарят доста по-бавно и рядко). Кофтито е, че сега си е взел една помощник-редактореса, която я кара на готови (общо взето) отговори.

[Кал]

По повод на превода на „Големите приключения на малкото таласъмче“ към английски:

... Никола, моля бъди много внимателен с подбора на последния (предполагам native speaker) редактор. Има преголяма вероятност да случиш на един от следните два типа „редактори“:

а) native speaker с твърде тесни знания за собствения си език - който ще ти ореже напълно валидни неща, замествайки ги с греди от различен сорт и калибър. Английският език е огромен – никак не е трудно собствените му носители да не са наясно с цели области от него (лексика, че и граматика).

б) native speaker, който си знае езика добре – и вярва, че „редакция = пренаписване“, понякога дори – преизмисляне на историята. Повечето (кандидат-)писатели, които познавам, са от тоя тип.

И двата варианта не просто не подобряват текста, ами може да го влошат. И да ти изхабят парите и нервите. Все пак, вариант б) е за предпочитане. (Няма да е баш твоята приказка, но поне ще звучи добре. )

Като се видим, ще ти разказвам анекдоти от „редакции“. Всичко от горното е обобщения на преки наблюдения.

П.П. Емо, наистина съжалявам за счупения ритъм в alongside (вместо far along) the river – но "far along" made no sense to me, however I looked at it.

[Кал]

Ако решите да работите с мен по художествени преводи към английски, моля да имате предвид следното.

(Както и предния ми пост.)